Race Jitters & Saturday Blues

Exactly a week from now, I will be now on my way to Changi Village to run the race again. Sundown marathon 2009, 2nd year in running, 3rd Marathon race of my life. I be happy of I can complete it this year. Reason being so is that my back been aching up and I fear it may go against me on Saturday.

Billy, CG, Ping & Desmond are some of the people out of SG RUNNERS that are running the race this year. I wonder what my motivation this year is to run especially when things are at low, low all times for me.

TO RUN AND FINISH THE RACE THAT I STARTED – THAT’S MY MOTIVATION THIS YEAR

At the same time, race jitters n the idea of feeling lonely kills me. Thinking of all my friends attached and spending the time with their loved ones kinds of made me an envy man.

Look at Mike. Happily married with his wife. Though no kids, I believe they are happily married. Though busy with their daily work, I am touched by the fact that they made an effort to spend time together daily. Simple things like having dinner together daily, hubby cooking dinner, fetching wife from work are just simple things in life that made a relationship works. Despite burden with heavy workloads, Mike made an effort to made thing work despite busy with work. Though, being bogged down with daily work, making such an effort daily means both will have to work from home. Simple gestures but I believe it is this small little things in life that made a marriage/relationship works. It ain’t easy but having a companionship for life is a match made in heaven. I know what I have just commented are just the smooth journeys in life of a relationship. But who says, life is smooth sailing? Look at my life now.. Full of turbulence, obstacles & so many mishaps. Lonely, feared of the future and not knowing when light will seeps in.

I know I am rather pessimistic. Just as I might as I am to be optimistic, I am having a difficult time.

Looking at my friends like Andrew, Richard, Caleb, Desmond – all happily attached and spending time with their spouses. I can’t help but feel jealous and lonely.

I know I told myself for the past few years that I am too young to be attached. Relationship is something that I will never think of it.
Being kept busy with work, school, social service work are just the obstacles of a relationship for me the past few years. Though few did drop by and wanted to start a relationship with me, I was not ready and furthermore I have no affinity for the other party. I feel it’s a waste of your time just to start on a relationship with no feelings/affinity.

With the scars of the failed relationships, will I ever dare embark on one? Will my partner be patient with me? Will my partner be able to tolerate my long hrs of work especially I am back into banking. Being a small fry, I often spend long hrs in office and will not bring work home. Will my partner be able to tolerate it? So many questions? Having a partner to accompany you now and cuddling each other keeping each other warm & just enjoying each other company is a blessing.

Do I have the blessing? I know I am in a state of whys? Loneliness is kind of scary. Serious. It is scary.
Running a race is easier than anything else. Physical pain & mental pain is that I only need to endure.

Human relationships are complicated and tricky. A wrong move and everything disappears.