Friday, 22 May, 2009

Went to pray today. Though I am not staunch muslim, more to modern malay and Ibanese side, this is the faith that I follow by birth. Out of sudden, I just need to seek solace with him. I wonder if he grants me audienced.

Frankly, getting the email today was dejection. One after dejections, rejections, failures, and tons of commitments are all my buddies for now.

Frankly living a day now ain’t easy. No matter how I try my brightens up my sunshine, the dark clouds kept over powering me and just push me into the darker circle.

Be it career, relationship, or even friendship – all is in a mess.

In the past one mth, I feel I lost 2 friends. Losing friends at my end seems to be a phenomenon. Did I say something wrong which just upset them? For a friend, that has always been playing me out, I have been rather patient with him based on his circumstances whenever he arranged to meet me. However, 95% of appointments made, it wil be cancelled as early as a day to an hr prior to it. Recently, I think I just blew up. The friend asked me to meet up soon and I say a casual remark “I wonder when” and there goes in a flash, the friend told me that is the end of a friendship and don’t ever disturb me again. Mine, I was shocked. I apologised for my bluntness and I was shut down like a pc. The friendship is gone.

The other friend, since the hike, he has been giving me attitude. I don’t know what I did wrong but I was just given the bad attitude by him. It seems I did something wrong or pissed him off. I confronted the friend whether I did anything wrong to have upset the person. His reply was none. If that is the case, why the cold shoulder?

Hey come on? I am already in deep shit.. Facing so many problems…
Pls don’t bug me with unnecessary ones. I am already stressed out by now… That at times, I wonder what and where I did wrong. I admit, I am very pessisimistic now. Can’t be blame! I am trying to stay optimistic but aint easy. Sigh.. Sigh is like a common word.

Even daily things like my hp aren’t helping out either. Hp keeps hanging and data kept losing. Sms cant be sent out dud to an error. Sigh…Too many error…

Modem at home is down. Cant surf net at home. Service provider wont provide a new modem as it is out of warranty and asked me to buy a new one. NO CASH, SO I TERMINATED MY SUBSCRIPTION. SURFING NET IS NOW VIA WIRELESS @ SG. Either I go down to Mac, library etc or I be at my void deck surfing to look for jobs and replying emails.

What else can go wrong? Did the decision I made YEAR AGO THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE?

To resign to focus on my studies for the final semester of the degree? Is that a wrong move? Sigh. Thought having a contract job in dec will be better? But who knows it is temporary. Savings frm last year are dwindling down a lot. I don’t know how long I can last. It is quite devastating and draining. I am hoping things will be better asap. Please I beg u….. I hope things will look good for me.